comeuppence...

my step-father had a brain aneurysm... we have a house closing escrow on the 28th... the same day my sister turns 28 and my brother turns 26... speaking of brothers, spent the weekend with him in Dulzura, a trip planned long ago, too difficult to cancel... i have not written in a long time... about the house, because i didn't want to jinx it (i can't believe we are getting something for ourselves, i wonder why i feel so guilty about it)... everything else, well, i am just not sure what to say... i am frustrated and well; sick and tired... everyone thinks i'm fine because i keep breaking my back... my dear husband is exhausted, although i guess some of you think he should be (at least that’s how you act/don’t act… judgmental fools, he doesn’t owe anyone anything)… my heart goes out to my sisters for their father (can anyone return a phone call???), yet i still feel they are narcissists, and they give a crap about me... so what? isn't that what most young people are (narcissists)? some old people too, i am noticing... family calling us that never does cause they want something, when right now, we have nothing to give… for once, we have nothing to give… my daughter is doing well in school, but is she doing well? the baby is growing, i think, and healthy, i hope... and i have not felt more lost in a long time... tried to write this weekend, but i am plagued with people and promises and lies and well-intended help that falls through at my expense... my mother's phone has been busy for over three months... my grandfather fell again (at least he doesn't know it)... and i'm a bitch cause i can't walk or make it to places everyone thinks i should be... what do people want from me?… would everyone like me to tell them what a good job they are doing, what a good friend, family member, insert-your-name-here, they are to me???… if you want to help me, just do it, please don’t ask me anymore, so you feel better… otherwise, have a nice day; and please don’t tell me all the other things you have to do today (no offense, but today i don’t have the energy to care)… if you can’t help, don’t worry, you don’t owe me… so please don’t make me feel bad for what you think you should/shouldn’t do (really, no one owes me anything, and i’m tired of explaining this…) … and no, i don’t want to talk about it… i have other things on my mind… like exploding brain vessels and growing fetuses… and forgotten men… and packing a house with six years of mess in it… and again, you don’t owe me, so do it cause you want to, not for accolades… i’ve handed out my fair share over time, i haven’t the energy to give them right now… okie dokie?

ah, i’ve been wanting to get that out for weeks… now i feel better… sorry if you don’t… for once, i don’t care… i still love you, but i don’t care…