it's a grey day, pooh bear...

i am so sad today

gina is going away

i had nightmares most of the night, dreams of sadness and dreams of frustration and misunderstanding... my heart breaks for one of my oldest and dearest friends... today she gets on a plane, destination barely known, with a threadbare support group and incorrect judgements about why she is in the position she is in...

in case anyone cares, she took her kids to school EVERY day, she did their homework with them EVERY day, she took them to the park; fed, clothed and MOTHERED them EVERY day for the past couple of months... and she even disciplined them, with LOVE, EVERY day...

i'm going to miss her, and i pray to the god of my understanding to please give her the strength to get through this trial time of her Life... to see this as a new beginning and not another set-back...

now i'm going to go and cry myself back to sleep...

i love you, Ms Gina Can Go Go...

sometimes...

...you must ask the right question, to get the right answer...

sometimes...

...you must dig deeper, to find the diamond beneath the rough...

sometimes...

...you must give circumstance time, to find the beautiful payoff in the end...

and this is part of the reason i am learning every day, slowly, that the questions i’ve asked for ages, were always meant to be answered, it just takes a little time… and i’m learning that i AM worth it… and so the answers will come, and i await them with bated breath and love, and with purpose knowing that i deserve this, i have earned this, just never realized or thought i’d really get it...

for all the times i was told to “shut-up” as a child (as has now been confirmed from my beautiful Aunt Jenny), my mother dedicated the following song to me, in one of her moments of clarity… now i know why…

Question (the Moody Blues)

Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war?
'Cos when we stop and look around us,
There is nothing that we need,
In a world of persecution that is burning in its greed.

Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
Because the truth is hard to swallow
That's what the war of love is for.

It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me
It's more the way that you mean it
When you tell me what will be.

And when you stop and think about it
You won't believe it's true
That all the love you've been giving
Has all been meant for you.

I'm looking for someone to change my life,
I'm looking for a miracle in my life,
And if you could see what it's done to me,
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me through.

Between the silence of the mountains,
And the crashing of the sea,
There lies a land I once lived in,
And she's waiting there for me,
But in the grey of the morning,
My mind becomes confused,
Between the dead and the sleeping,
And the road that I must chose.

I'm looking for someone to change my life,
I'm looking for a miracle in my life,
And if you could see what it's done to me,
To lose the love I knew
Could safely lead me to,
The land that I once knew,
To learn as we grow old,
The secrets of our soul.

It's not the way that you say it
When you do those things to me,
It's more the way you really mean it
When you tell me what will be.

Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war?
'Cos when we stop and look around us,
There is nothing that we need,
In a world of persecution that is burning in its greed.

Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
Because the truth is hard to swallow
That's what the war of love is for.

1970